Getting Back the Wonder

I love to watch my children. They embrace so much with such abandon. To hear their voices as they create the plot lines for their game is delightful. It brings me so much joy that sometimes it is difficult to keep it contained. I know that to them, their play is very serious business, and if I do not take it seriously could cause them embarrassment. I want them to know that I value it, too. But sometimes it is too wonderful to keep inside, and a grin spreads across my face.

They are so free. They run and sing and jump and climb on a whim. There is no half living. It is everything, their complete focus on the thing at hand, or they are sleeping. There are no ulterior motives. If they pick a flower for me, it is simply because they thought it was beautiful and wanted to see me smile. That is enough to them. It is such an example to me.

My Journey of Healing My Body

So I don't have a dramatic story, of how I had cancer and radically changed everything I did and my cancer went into remission. But I have been on a journey of healing for my body.

Since I have become an adult, my diet has been what most north americans would consider quite healthy. I have not had to deal with any chronic illness, and because of my body type it is fairly easy to maintain a certain weight. But I have known enough about health and nutrition to know that I could be so much healthier. I simply did not have the motivation to pursue it.

Holding on to Hope

I recently had an interesting discussion with a friend. We covered a lot of topics, amongst them racism, prejudice, problems of nationalism, the objectification of women, the pursuit of privileges without accepting responsibility, and struggles with attraction shadowing all the decisions we make.

He agreed, none of it is ideal, life would be better if these were not so, but argued that there is little we can do to change these things in the world at large. And perhaps he is right. Perhaps the most that those of us who want to change all of this can do is live our life the way we want the world to be, and teach our children how to do better if they so choose. Maybe it is simply the idealist in me yearning for utopia, but my heart aches to believe that there must be more I can do. There must be things I can say to someone to help them change their life for the better, to let go of shackles they had no idea they were clinging to. There must be ways to break down these systems that people buy into that do not serve them, but enslave them. 

Settling In

I'm back! So the last two weeks we've settling into our new home! It has been wonderful. We call it the "farm" although it isn't much of a farm at the moment. We have two haying fields, a pasture without animals, a small sugar bush for making maple syrup, and a few scattered fruit bushes and trees. My kiddos have been throughly enjoying running and puddle jumping and haystack climbing. They have spent more time outside then in, and that includes the time they spend sleeping. It makes my heart happy.

We are working hard fixing up the house to our liking, and figuring out how we want to arrange things outside. We don't expect to have a big garden or much produce to speak of this year. A lot of our fruit trees need a good pruning and likely some nutrients added to their soil. The grape vines are a little wild. But every where we look we see potential. It is very exciting! I was able to gather a bunch of rhubarb already, and I am looking forward to picking all the wild strawberries growing in the fields in about a month. Mmmm Mmm.

We are making progress towards our goals of living off grid. It is going to take sometime. We don't have the means to do it all now. But getting here has been a huge step in the right direction. One that we have been able to take sooner then we had expected. And although it has only been two weeks, the peace and beauty and freedom I feel here is amazing. It is beginning to feel like home.

Imagine

This is a little something that I wrote in 2007.



Imagine... I do. I imagine a world of "I am"s. A world with endless possibility. I imagine I know that I have boundless potential. I imagine I have the drive of nothing held back, no inhibitions, because I know that everything I'm striving for is in my best interest; and if it's not, it'll lead me to what is. I imagine I have a life without judgment, my precious resources are not wasted on that. I imagine I allow others to have their judgments without allowing them to influence me. I imagine I choose everything in my life, and it is all there for my greater good; to teach me, to help me grow. I imagine I am an influence for good in every aspect of my life, in every circle of influence I am in. I imagine I reach beyond what others around me can see, and getting there. I imagine I reach for the stars and accept them into my life. I imagine everything in my life is a great gift from God, sent for me to have a beautiful, abundant and prosperous life; and I imagine I openly, freely and gratefully let everything flow into my life. I imagine I always fly on the wings of change and flow; I imagine I am always grounded in knowing and loving myself; I imagine these two are my healthiest states. I imagine I am a strong, powerful and driven woman, whose word is law for myself. I imagine I allow others to have the full capacity of their ability to choose. I imagine I do everything with passion. I imagine I allow myself to feel every emotion that I have, in the very moment I have it, and allowing those around me to see it. I imagine I have life full of love, for myself and everyone around me, and I both receive and give it. I imagine I am a great influence, that every positive thought that I have is of benefit to the world, and every action I take is a movement toward global change. I imagine I am an inspiration, that others see me or the fruits I produce and choose to improve their lives, even if it's just for a moment. I imagine I am a safe place, where I and everyone in my life can be free to be completely themselves. I imagine I have infinite opportunities, and every opportunity I act upon opens the door to another world of infinite opportunities. I imagine I have absolute freedom to choose, in every moment.

Now, imagine replacing every "imagine" there with "believe"... I do. And when I do that, they become my reality.

A Cherished Point in Time

My heart has been full today, as I spent time with my family. Mother's Day is a wonderful time for me to reflect on how blessed I am. And it led to poetry! So here is my little attempt at a Mother's Day poem:

A Cherished Point in Time

Laughter and chatter of the day

now quiet, still and innocent

Breathing in the scent

of sun kissed skin

The last smile of the day lingers 

on a sweet mouth

and the corners of closed eyes.

I grasp at the moment,

and feel cheated that it is fleeting,

Knowing the more that I try

to hold it hostage the quicker 

it slips away.

Clutching is fruitless,

as desperate as I might be.

I surrender, 

knowing that to keep it

I must relish it,

Breathe it deeper,

let it seep into my pores,

my heart, 

into my very soul.

By Jenna Kelly

In Pursuit of True Modesty

I have been pondering something that has been very perplexing for me. I really value modesty. I do. I believe it is a desirable attribute.

But, if it is such a worthwhile virtue, why is it that culturally we only talk about modesty in regards to women, specifically how they dress? If it is so wonderful, why don't we talk about it as universal rather then portray it as specifically for one gender? Aren't virtues applicable to everyone?

I think that most of us have lost what the definition of modesty is. I know that if you had asked me a couple months ago I may have struggled to define it. As a teen, I would have given a dress code.

But modesty is more then just the clothes you wear. It is an attitude, a way of being. It really is a virtue, just like integrity.

I think that other contexts that "modest" is used helps to find its true definition. Someone of modest means, or someone takes a compliment modestly. The people who come to mind when these phrases are used are likely good examples to use when thinking of modesty. They recognize what respect is and how to show it.

All the Heavy Things

So I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. Not that anyone cares about this blog right now, because I am almost literally the only one who looks at it. Sometimes that is way more comfortable. I feel like I can bare the little parts of my soul that are the most vulnerable, put it out there for someone to have the potential of reading it and helping them. But there is very little risk, since in reality I am the only one reading it. I hold very tightly to my newly budding and most sacred values and opinions, because I think my heart could easily be crushed if they are rejected or stomped on. But I feel a day is coming when I can't do that anymore. That I have to share, because there are too many issues out there that need addressing. Too many problems that need solutions. And if I truly value the things I believe then the only way I can make a difference is by sharing that.

The heavy things are important. We need to talk about them. They might be uncomfortable to face. They can make us see the ugliness in the world and ourselves. No one enjoys that. But if we will never talk about them, they can never change.

Stall... and Then Keep Moving Forward

I feel stuck right now. I start to sing. But I haven't felt like I can put my all into it for a couple weeks. And I can feel it slipping. Like I can't get the same range and tone. Or volume and power. It's like my heart isn't in it right now. But I want it to be so bad. But its not just singing.

Its like I can't put my full heart into anything right now. I'm still working at things, I haven't dropped the ball completely. I'm still trying to blog, and I adore my family. But it feels like there are walls blocking me putting my full passion into the things I am doing. I haven't been relishing and enjoying it the way I was before. I don't feel the self expression like I have been. I don't know if it is just unrealistic for me expect to always feel so much heart and passion in the things I do. Things I love. But I want to. I believe I can. So why? Why does this happen? Why do I so quickly go from feeling so much is going into the actions I take to feeling so blocked up?

Seven Steps to Developing Any Talent

You can have any skill you want. Really, you can. But... the big but. You have to want it. You have to work at it. You have no idea where to start.

Learning something new can be broken down into a process and then the same process applied to anything you are interested in. And with the amount of knowledge available at your finger tips the only valid excuse you can have is that it not a priority for your time.

Here are 7 steps you can apply to any skill you want to develop.

The Struggle With Power and Beauty

Beauty is such a big topic of discussion in our culture. There are so many people out there, promoting ways to "look like your best self." Or to have a "flawless complexion" or whatever else is sought after. To be honest, I try not to pay attention. I really try.


But it seems to be nearly unavoidable for a woman in our culture not to become preoccupied with their appearance. From a young age, girls get the message that their worth is based on how pretty they are. The prince wouldn't fall in love at first sight with the princess if she wasn't the most beautiful one in the room.


We are told that sex sells. It isn't sex that sells. It is power.

Women are inundated constantly with what is considered the ideal, and always the message is that is where our power lies. Men have the power, and we gain some by having sexual appeal.

I hate this view of women.

I look at all the women around me, and I see power and beauty. Beyond simply their features, there is something there. Each of them have qualities that show in their expressions and mannerisms. I wouldn't change any of them. Not only that, but they have so much influence, and often they have no idea. It goes so far beyond how they look.

Yet I am stuck making the same mistake.

Singing Again

I started singing again last week. I suppose I started again a while ago. But I decided to earnestly begin to work my voice out and actually get better. I've been trying to make sure I sing for an hour every day, at least 20 minutes of that being time spent on exercises pushing my boundaries. I want to be able to have better range and tone then I ever have. Really, I don't think that will be difficult, since I don't think I have ever focused so specifically on working out my voice. At least, not since I was very young.

It is actually amazing to see my progress.  Already I can tell that my range, control and sound are improving.

I'm not sure why I stopped singing. I had several years where I hardly sang at all. At the time, I was in and out of depression. And I didn't feel as close to my husband either. I suppose I was self conscious. My voice was lost.

But now I have found it again. And I love it.

We'll just see how much everyone living with me can handle it...

Bedtime Confessions

Bedtime is often long for us. In the past it has been frustrating and felt menial. I just want the kids to go to sleep already!

But rarely is it a battle. They happily choose their stories and brush their teeth. The struggles usually only come when favourite nighties are in the dirty laundry.

And then I stay with my children until they fall asleep. Nearly every night. My husband will stay with them some nights, more often when he is working long hours because they miss him. But most of the time they ask me to.

My Why...

So my blog. Why? What is the point of doing this?

Well, I love to learn. I love to explore new areas of thought. At least, new for me. I look at all the information out there, the richness of expression that can be experienced and I can't help myself. I just want to soak it all up.

I guess I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and truth.  

Now because I have such a drive to learn a little about anything I can get my hands on, I have a ton of information to that is just sitting there. But I figure I can't be the only one like that out there. I can't be.

One more time

I am beginning again.... again.  So I know that is my continuing theme here.  I am always starting over. I have been constantly trying to have my fresh start, the one that will finally stick.  And my intentions are always sincere.  I always genuinely mean that I am going to make it a real habit.  But some how, this is always my most common post.  Can I say that this time I really mean it without it being a cliche, guaranteeing my failure?  I believe I can....

I think I can.... I think I can.

I think I can.

Ok so here goes.

Again.