Bedtime Confessions

Bedtime is often long for us. In the past it has been frustrating and felt menial. I just want the kids to go to sleep already!

But rarely is it a battle. They happily choose their stories and brush their teeth. The struggles usually only come when favourite nighties are in the dirty laundry.

And then I stay with my children until they fall asleep. Nearly every night. My husband will stay with them some nights, more often when he is working long hours because they miss him. But most of the time they ask me to.
I know most parents wouldn't do that, at least not in our culture. There seems to be such an urgency for kids to be independent these days. Especially sleeping independently.

They are so young, my little ones. At five, my oldest sweet daughter is only beginning to come into her own. To recognize patterns and differences in the world around her and express that understanding. To know her fears, and be willing to face them. Just beginning.

Her trust is very important to me. The relationship we are developing now is foundational to the rest of her life. The actions I take now, however small they may seem, have the power to steer the course she will follow. If I choose to let go of that power before she is ready to take control herself, the trust can be  broken and she is left to the world around her as a guide instead.

Then the distractions come. There is so much to do. As a mother and wife I feel pulled in so many directions. And when do I pursue my own interests?

I have wanted to move past staying with her at bedtime. It can feel tedious. And the pull for that independence prize is tantalizing. But now she uses that time so effectively.

She begins to talk to me.

That moment before sleep is vulnerable. She is like an open window. She will tell me anything and everything in those precious minutes. Her deep thoughts, what she has learned, connections she has made, the important people in her life, why she loves her favourite things. They are all sitting waiting for this moment to be shared. She wants me to not only love and cherish her, but understand her soul.

She will soak in everything I tell her during that time. She listens in a way that she just can't manage during the daylight when things are so distracting. And she takes it all to heart. I feel like I have to be so careful with what I say. She will believe every word.

When I ask her why she wants me to stay with her, her lip begins quivering and she admits her fear. Her fear of being alone. I reassure her. Tell her that she is safe in our home. She tells me she knows and she settles, but the fear is still there.

Is this the fear of all children? Is this why they continually leave their beds? Not to avoid sleep and continue to play, but to seek the security and safety of their parents?

But we both know that the fear won't last forever. She tells me that soon she will be old enough to go to sleep by herself, but not yet. The comfort of a parent's secure presence is still too precious for her. For me, I cannot pass by these precious daily moments while they are here for the taking.

These moments have taught me so much. How the mind of my child works, what an essential role I play for how she will view the world. How good it feels to connect with her thoughts and feelings. How easily I can have all this if these moments are my goal, instead of checking off my to-do list.

So the glitter of the independence prize fades for now. I can let it go. I know that the foundation of love and trust we are building together is of far greater value. It can support a solid, happy life.

When that prize does come, because it will, I will celebrate for her. She will have good and essential tools to serve her in life.

But I will grieve the loss of these sweet bedtime confessions.