I feel stuck right now. I start to sing. But I haven't felt like I can put my all into it for a couple weeks. And I can feel it slipping. Like I can't get the same range and tone. Or volume and power. It's like my heart isn't in it right now. But I want it to be so bad. But its not just singing.
Its like I can't put my full heart into anything right now. I'm still working at things, I haven't dropped the ball completely. I'm still trying to blog, and I adore my family. But it feels like there are walls blocking me putting my full passion into the things I am doing. I haven't been relishing and enjoying it the way I was before. I don't feel the self expression like I have been. I don't know if it is just unrealistic for me expect to always feel so much heart and passion in the things I do. Things I love. But I want to. I believe I can. So why? Why does this happen? Why do I so quickly go from feeling so much is going into the actions I take to feeling so blocked up?
I think some of it started when I found a TV show to watch online, and of course all five seasons were available. One of my weaknesses. When I start watching a show, it is really hard to stop. So I got really focused on it. It was hard to find a balance. It is just too easy to just start the next episode. And then the next. And the next. Mobile devices just make it too easy to get stuck. I can meet all of my responsibilities and take care of my children and keep watching my show. But it shuts me down. Cuts me off from my real thoughts and feelings. Keeps me from enjoying my real life. Closes up my heart. Flat lines emotions, both the highs and the lows. Like all addictions do.
So how do we do it? Find balance? Live with purpose and heart and passion all the time? Is it possible? I believe it is. And I want to live that way. I believe we are meant to live that way. And I believe with God it is possible.
I feel so much better now. Admission that there is a problem is the first step to recovery. It is funny, how changing and letting go of habits that hold us back sounds so scary. Familiarity feels secure. But once you do, it is liberating and so free feeling, you never want to go back.
I'm grateful I was able to recognize this habit I have that has been holding me back. Now that I realize what it is, I can do something about changing it.
It is also helping me to recognize how the things I do that inhibit my happiness and passion. How it does flatline my emotions. How I feel removed from the things I love, even if I keep doing them. So now I can know exactly what is happening if I start feeling this way and I can do something to change it.
It feels so good to have written this. So often in the past I have hit these moments, these stalls, and it stops me in my tracks. Often it takes me months to get back on track. But having written this, having worked out what is wrong, feels more like a car stalling, and then starting it again right away. I can just keep going in the direction I was headed, just having lost a little bit of time. Not left my course completely.
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