But, if it is such a worthwhile virtue, why is it that culturally we only talk about modesty in regards to women, specifically how they dress? If it is so wonderful, why don't we talk about it as universal rather then portray it as specifically for one gender? Aren't virtues applicable to everyone?
I think that most of us have lost what the definition of modesty is. I know that if you had asked me a couple months ago I may have struggled to define it. As a teen, I would have given a dress code.
But modesty is more then just the clothes you wear. It is an attitude, a way of being. It really is a virtue, just like integrity.
I think that other contexts that "modest" is used helps to find its true definition. Someone of modest means, or someone takes a compliment modestly. The people who come to mind when these phrases are used are likely good examples to use when thinking of modesty. They recognize what respect is and how to show it.
Immodesty is thought and action that tries to increase perceived self worth based on things that change.
The way women dress is such a hot topic when modesty comes up because in the our culture women are continually physically objectified, and so their bodies are often in focus.
They are objectified for the benefit of men.
Many women, if not most, have an unconscious belief that they have less power, and so to gain any they try to elicit it from men. Girls are taught from so young that their value is based on how pretty they are. Many believe that they are not a complete person with the ability to have an impact the world around them without having the approval or companionship of a man. This is compounded by our culture sending men the message that by nature they are not predisposed to controlling their appetites and urges. That puts the responsibility of their actions into the climate control of women.
Often the climate control used is the way they dress. Women's clothing is used to gain the attention of a man, there-by increasing their perceived power and value. So women end up playing this tug of war, between dressing attractively enough to gain attention, but not provocatively enough to be sexually assaulted, or at the very least leered at. Women should not have to feel this way.
The key issue of women dressing in an immodest way is not a that they might bring about inappropriate feelings in men. It is that they feel the need to dress that way because they value themselves less then men and they have belief that the attention of a man increases their value.
This is why I do not like the phrase "Modest is hottest." It is another way to say that the way you dress gives you value. It continues to objectify women by implying that they are more attractive and have more sexual appeal if they conform to a certain cultural code of conduct then people who do not. It is the opposite of modesty.
Modesty implies that value is inherent.
How can we solve this problem?
We can help people understand that what modesty really is, and that it is a desirable virtue. That modesty is more then just the way a woman dresses. Modesty can be applicable to everyone.
We recognize that a person's value is inherent. That it is not dependent the way that a person dresses, and our approval does not change that.
We can help our children understand the influence that they have in the world we live in. They can have a huge impact, especially on those of the opposite sex. That it is not their fault, nor is it a bad thing for them. But it is up to them what they choose to do with it. If they recognize the position they have they can be some of the biggest catalysts of change. They can help the people around them.
We can help people understand that a woman's value is not in her appearance. That they can show their appreciation of other attributes of the girls around them, and not even consider or talk about the way they look and dress. They can learn that the feelings or skills or values or dreams or interests of women are more important then how they look or dress. Always.
We can help men understand that they, and they alone are responsible for every thought they have and the action they take. That they do have the ability to control themselves. They can choose what they allow to influence them, and how it will do that. We can teach those who do not recognize this that they need to take that responsibility back and remove the burden from women's shoulders.
We can call out occurrences of immodesty if we see it. Particularly within ourselves. We can do it with compassion, it doesn't need to be done with judgement. We can just simply point out that there is another way to look at things. Immodesty is so pervasive that most people don't realize that they are perpetuating it. They don't know the immodest thoughts when they have them because they are considered normal and have never been labeled for what they are.
So what is being immodest?
Anything that objectifies. It demeans the perception of someone's identity and worth to a simple, arbitrary label. Objectification implies that it doesn't matter if they like how they are at looked at or talked to. It is degrading, and often used to push someone's status lower. Other times objectification is thought to be praise, and the idea is that it should be appreciated since you are admiring something about them. This is also degrading. It discounts anything else that makes them a whole and complete person. It perpetuates the idea that their value is based on someone else's gratification and pleasure.
Anything that brings the desire to show off for social status is immodest. So is wanting to gain power in a hierarchy to be able to feel important or special.
Any thought process that causes us to look at someone and think less of them.
Anything done to exploit a position of power over someone else.
Any way of acting rebelliously to gain attention. This is a way people use to determine if their worth to those around them is arbitrary. If it is, they will usually continue to act this way until they find a group where they feel their value doesn't change.
If we can recognize immodesty, if we can bring it to conscious awareness then things can change. Especially for those who are unaware that they are contributing to making it normal and don't want to be a part of that. If people never recognize their subconscious modes of thought and behaviour, they cannot change them.
And yes, provocativeness is immodest.
Though we need to understand why many women dress provocatively. Often it is seen as a ploy by them to manipulate men. That may be true. And I do think that manipulation is not a positive or healthy way of interacting or building relationships.
There are more ways to be able to normalize modesty.
We can help the people in our lives understand that their value is inherent. They do not have to do anything to earn it. They were born with it. And they cannot gain anymore by dressing, looking or acting a certain way. No possession or wealth will change it. They are powerful. They are amazing. They are miraculous. Every one of them. And they should be assured of that at every opportunity. Especially in a world where everywhere we turn, we are faced with an unhealthy culture that tells us the opposite.
We can help people understand that they should wear clothes that they like and feel comfortable in, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And that should be the only criteria. We need to help them believe that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. They shouldn't feel awkward or exposed, and if they do, they have the right to wear something else. They shouldn't feel like they have to dress that way to gain the approval or attention of someone. Male or female. We need to help them feel free to be who they are, and appreciate it.
We can also help people understand that dressing this way, or any way, does not make them better then anyone else. If someone around you doesn't feel this way about themself, you aren't any better then them. It simply means that they haven't had the opportunity to learn what you have. And maybe, if they are ready, you might be able to help them start a new journey.
Very likely if everyone felt this way about how they dress, there would naturally be a inclination to a similar way of dressing within culture groups. We, as human beings, like to feel that we fit in, and though we want to be unique and have self expression, we also feel uncomfortable if we are too far away from the norm we associate ourselves with.
Looking at modesty, at the depth and breadth of it, it is so much more then what we are often told it is.
It allows us to to build relationships built on cooperation, camaraderie and trust. It affords people the opportunity to find their own true uniqueness and talents rather then spending their time trying to find where they fit or have value. It allows us to have the opportunity use everyone's uniqueness to make life better then it would be if we were all the same. It has the potential for being a healing balm in our wounded culture.
I believe modesty is important. No, it is essential. We need it to have healthy, thriving relationships and cultures. I believe that true modesty is a foundational piece for true freedom. The freedom no one else can give you or take away. The freedom to be absolutely true to your self, and the knowledge that it has innate value beyond what anyone else thinks you should be. I believe that it helps us to hold onto who we are, no matter what happens. And I believe when it is lived, it allows us to help others see that they can have that freedom, too. I believe it is important for men, women, everyone to understand. And I believe that it is how God wants us to live.
Modesty implies that value is inherent.
How can we solve this problem?
We can help people understand that what modesty really is, and that it is a desirable virtue. That modesty is more then just the way a woman dresses. Modesty can be applicable to everyone.
We recognize that a person's value is inherent. That it is not dependent the way that a person dresses, and our approval does not change that.
We can help our children understand the influence that they have in the world we live in. They can have a huge impact, especially on those of the opposite sex. That it is not their fault, nor is it a bad thing for them. But it is up to them what they choose to do with it. If they recognize the position they have they can be some of the biggest catalysts of change. They can help the people around them.
We can help people understand that a woman's value is not in her appearance. That they can show their appreciation of other attributes of the girls around them, and not even consider or talk about the way they look and dress. They can learn that the feelings or skills or values or dreams or interests of women are more important then how they look or dress. Always.
We can help men understand that they, and they alone are responsible for every thought they have and the action they take. That they do have the ability to control themselves. They can choose what they allow to influence them, and how it will do that. We can teach those who do not recognize this that they need to take that responsibility back and remove the burden from women's shoulders.
We can call out occurrences of immodesty if we see it. Particularly within ourselves. We can do it with compassion, it doesn't need to be done with judgement. We can just simply point out that there is another way to look at things. Immodesty is so pervasive that most people don't realize that they are perpetuating it. They don't know the immodest thoughts when they have them because they are considered normal and have never been labeled for what they are.
So what is being immodest?
Anything that objectifies. It demeans the perception of someone's identity and worth to a simple, arbitrary label. Objectification implies that it doesn't matter if they like how they are at looked at or talked to. It is degrading, and often used to push someone's status lower. Other times objectification is thought to be praise, and the idea is that it should be appreciated since you are admiring something about them. This is also degrading. It discounts anything else that makes them a whole and complete person. It perpetuates the idea that their value is based on someone else's gratification and pleasure.
Anything that brings the desire to show off for social status is immodest. So is wanting to gain power in a hierarchy to be able to feel important or special.
Any thought process that causes us to look at someone and think less of them.
Anything done to exploit a position of power over someone else.
Any way of acting rebelliously to gain attention. This is a way people use to determine if their worth to those around them is arbitrary. If it is, they will usually continue to act this way until they find a group where they feel their value doesn't change.
If we can recognize immodesty, if we can bring it to conscious awareness then things can change. Especially for those who are unaware that they are contributing to making it normal and don't want to be a part of that. If people never recognize their subconscious modes of thought and behaviour, they cannot change them.
And yes, provocativeness is immodest.
Though we need to understand why many women dress provocatively. Often it is seen as a ploy by them to manipulate men. That may be true. And I do think that manipulation is not a positive or healthy way of interacting or building relationships.
But women acting in a provocative way is not solely based in what they want. It does not exist in a vacuum.
It is a function of the culture we live in. They have been led to believe, that provocative dress is one of the easiest and quickest ways to gain influence and power, likely from a very young age. And in this culture, that can be true. Provocativeness and sexualization has come to symbolize a feeling of power in the media. Women have been taught that their physical appeal is the attribute that has the most value, if not the only one that has value.
They believe, subconsciously, that power is something that either they take from men or men bestow it upon them. They do not believe that they have innate value. Or believe at least any innate value they have has been negated. They do not understand that there are other ways to have pleasure, happiness and fulfillment that do not esteem someone else above themselves.
They are not the cause of the problem. But people often see them that way, because subconsciously it is recognize they are trying to grab for power. And people cannot stand to see the balance of power shaken unless it improves their own circumstances.
The real problem is the culture that has caused so many women to believe this. It has caused most women to believe it, even if they do not act the same way. But the system only has power as long as people believe its messages.
We need to send the message that all women, all people have equal value. Including to women who are thought to be provocative. They are less likely to have heard or understand that. Shaming them will do nothing but cause further damage.
Will that message be accepted positively? Not always. The status quo is comfortable. People know what to expect. Change and the unknown can be terrifying.
But if we have knowledge and do not attempt to share it, then we contribute to their state. Seeds for the future can always be planted. We never know what might take root, however long that may take.
There are more ways to be able to normalize modesty.
We can help the people in our lives understand that their value is inherent. They do not have to do anything to earn it. They were born with it. And they cannot gain anymore by dressing, looking or acting a certain way. No possession or wealth will change it. They are powerful. They are amazing. They are miraculous. Every one of them. And they should be assured of that at every opportunity. Especially in a world where everywhere we turn, we are faced with an unhealthy culture that tells us the opposite.
We can help people understand that they should wear clothes that they like and feel comfortable in, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And that should be the only criteria. We need to help them believe that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. They shouldn't feel awkward or exposed, and if they do, they have the right to wear something else. They shouldn't feel like they have to dress that way to gain the approval or attention of someone. Male or female. We need to help them feel free to be who they are, and appreciate it.
We can also help people understand that dressing this way, or any way, does not make them better then anyone else. If someone around you doesn't feel this way about themself, you aren't any better then them. It simply means that they haven't had the opportunity to learn what you have. And maybe, if they are ready, you might be able to help them start a new journey.
Very likely if everyone felt this way about how they dress, there would naturally be a inclination to a similar way of dressing within culture groups. We, as human beings, like to feel that we fit in, and though we want to be unique and have self expression, we also feel uncomfortable if we are too far away from the norm we associate ourselves with.
Looking at modesty, at the depth and breadth of it, it is so much more then what we are often told it is.
It allows us to to build relationships built on cooperation, camaraderie and trust. It affords people the opportunity to find their own true uniqueness and talents rather then spending their time trying to find where they fit or have value. It allows us to have the opportunity use everyone's uniqueness to make life better then it would be if we were all the same. It has the potential for being a healing balm in our wounded culture.
I believe modesty is important. No, it is essential. We need it to have healthy, thriving relationships and cultures. I believe that true modesty is a foundational piece for true freedom. The freedom no one else can give you or take away. The freedom to be absolutely true to your self, and the knowledge that it has innate value beyond what anyone else thinks you should be. I believe that it helps us to hold onto who we are, no matter what happens. And I believe when it is lived, it allows us to help others see that they can have that freedom, too. I believe it is important for men, women, everyone to understand. And I believe that it is how God wants us to live.
In a word, modesty is about respect. Respect for everyone around you, and self respect. It is showing God and the world that you are a person that has some of both.
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